Uncle Tunze - The Run Series


23.12.2020

Uncle Tunze

After 14 days in quarantine in a sterile hotel, the last thing I wanted to do was go to another one. I just wanted to go home to the kids and see the Mrs. Indeed, Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.  I had missed them terribly.

But the call was urgent.
His voice had heightened levels of panic. And fear. And he said he had been trying to reach me for 2 days now - I had switched off my phone. I was mad at the world for going on like nothing happened while I was holed up with a crippled lung and other chest issues.

But Ik is my man. We have come a long way. Roommates in Uni, and we spent holidays at each others’ houses. He was family. He is family. My parents were the representatives of his late folks at his wedding. He was best man at my wedding and I am godfather to his kids.

Getting to the hotel, I see that Ik had also called Ayo, Tunde, Tokunbo, and Wale - The War Council. This was serious.

Apparently, a couple days ago, Toyin had taken a cursory look into his phone and it was evident he had been chatting to some girl - heavy chatting - they had exchanged nudes and had made plans to meet on an innocuous night out before the LASG scuttled their rendezvous and shut down the night clubs.

Understandably, she had taken him up on it. And knowing Toyin - she wasn’t a pushover - she must have given him hell. Unable to reach me, he had called the other guys and in the last 2 days, they had tried to boost his confidence and filled his head with ideas on how to manage the situation - from the mundane offer of copious apologies, to the more extreme option of involving my parents who are all the way in Abuja.
So much groveling. 

While I wasn’t the bad man in the Group, far from it - in fact, given that I had the better reputation, it had been decided that I would be the one to go to Toyin - but upon full briefing, I knew there just had to be a better way. Afterall, the man loves his wife. And we were sure she still loved him. Why make him do something that will forever shift their perspective of each other and cause irreparable imbalance in their relationship?

While we were deliberating, a call comes through on my phone. It is my Uncle. My parents had been worried that I was incommunicado and had asked him to check up on me. Uncle Tunde - fondly called Uncle Tunze - world wide jolly fellow. Name the place and he had been there. Name the vice and he had participated. Name any of the lagos Big Girls in their 50’s and 60’s and chances are, he had been there too. He had stories for days and all the boys loved him.

After brief pleasantries, he asked why I wasn’t home yet even though I had been discharged. When I gave the highlights of the situation, he asked us to stay put as he was on his way to the hotel.

Uncle Tunze. He comes in with a bottle of brandy, 6 glasses for himself and the guys, and a bottle of Fanta for me. After we all prostrate in traditional greeting, Uncle T starts the council meeting and goes straight to the point.

He berates Ik appropriately, for chatting with another girl, for sending and receiving nudes, and most importantly, for leaving the incriminating items on his phone. At this point, he whips out his phone and shows us an empty Camera Roll and a folder with only pictures of his kids and grandkids and his dogs.

After expressing some more disappointment in Ik’s unsharpness, he then asks a couple more questions.

Have you had sex with this girl?
No.
Do you know her family?
No.
Have you been to her house?
No. I was to meet her at a club.

‘Ok’, Uncle Tunzè says, ‘I will follow you to Toyin. We will go and beg her. But you will not apologize for cheating. You will apologize for being young and impressionable and stupid. Because, unless when you go to her house, they open the gate for you without question. And when you get in, you can take off your clothes and there’s space in the cupboard for them. And they serve you food with a tumbler on a tray while you watch tv and your picture is on the mantle, you have not cheated.


Listen Here: Uncle Tunze
https://www.mixcloud.com/deejay-biso/uncle-tunzé-the-run-seriesdjbiso/ 

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